Are the men of the Trump administration OK? Feels like it’s been a tricky week for some of them. On the one hand, you’ll note the US is already rebooting its Iran war. Clearly, many will feel this latest version of the conflict is coming too soon after the last one, with fans simply not given enough time to miss the IP. A lot like the live-action Moana currently falling off the screen in cinemas. On the other hand, defence secretary Pete Hegseth seems to have moved the defence department beyond even its latter-day renaming as the department of war, posting a video entitled “The High-T Department of War” in which he announced mandatory testosterone screening for US troops aged 30 and over. We’ll get to JD Vance being unintentionally aroused by footage of Joe Biden eating ice-cream in a minute. Or as soon as I can face it.
Even the lower-ranking White House operatives seem to be spinning out. You may remember the UK’s political betting scandal, where various police officers, campaign officials and aides to former prime minister Rishi Sunak were arrested or investigatedfor putting bets on the last general election date. Everything’s bigger in the US, of course, so in some ways it’s not a surprise to learn that the guy who operates Trump’s teleprompter has allegedly made $100,000 on Kalshi by placing bets on words or topics appearing in Trump’s speeches. He is currently on unpaid administrative leave, according to press secretary Karoline Leavitt, who yesterday added solemnly, “there are very strict ethical guidelines here at the White House”. A statement so hilarious that I refuse to believe Leavitt herself didn’t say it for a bet. Probably with Hegseth. “Dude, I know I can get it in. I back myself. And if I do say it, you owe me $1,000 and an off-the-books testosterone shot.”
And so to Hegseth’s address to serving US military, or rather to serving US military but not counting the 231,000 active-duty women. This was delivered straight down the lens with a lot of pointing, and apparently dedicated to “ensuring YOU [finger jab] have the right testosterone levels to operate at your absolute best”. A strong promise from an administration where several cabinet ministers slop around in shoes too big for them because their boss bought them for them. Did they exaggerate their shoe size to him for one obvious reason – or did he humiliate them by buying them much-too-big shoes for that same obvious reason? Neither, in all honesty, feels particularly High-T from anyone other than Trump.
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Either way, and in a competitive field, the most eye-catching reaction to the new testosterone initiative came from Fox News anchor Jesse Watters. Do you know Jesse? He presents as the guy who missed out on the Cialis ad booking – he simply looks too beaten inside – but talks like a real man’s man of the world. “You know what’s going to happen?” chortled Watters of Hegseth’s military testosterone rollout. “The guys that DON’T need it are going to take it. Triple boost! And then they’re going to get out there, and, women on base – you guys better be careful!” Wow. OK. “Port calls, women in Asia – you better be careful. Because these guys are going to be WILD ANIMALS, and you better WATCH OUT!” Well now. I allow myself just one thousand-yard stare a day about the United States of America, and that clip has just produced today’s.
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Yesterday’s came courtesy of JD Vance, who is out on the promo circuit pushing his latest memoir. This week he went on Joe Rogan’s show, where he explained that the thing he couldn’t get over about Joe Biden was the way the former president ate ice-cream. “It’s like they would get him eating ice-cream in the most ridiculous, suggestive way imaginable,” revealed Vance. Is it? Mate, I’m not sure it is. I’m looking at various clips of it and he seems to always use his teeth. I mean, I don’t mean to kink-shame, but … Biden’s a biter, JD. Do you … find that suggestive? Anyway, there was more. Vance also revealed he would never eat a corn dog in public. Rogan showily didn’t care about doing that for all to see; in fact, he thought it was sad people were “so afraid of anything that looks like a dick”. Over to you, Mr Vice -President. “I try, I try to eat my corn dogs …” floundered Vance. “That’s – that’s between me and my kitchen.” Oh, OK. JD Vance sucks off corn dogs in his kitchen. Tell your friends.
If you can get past the mental images of the last paragraph, Vance’s Rogan appearance did serve up a little behind-the-scenes content from the Iran war reboot. According to the vice-president, there are some within the Israeli administration who “are manipulating and trying to change American public opinion to keep the war going on indefinitely”.
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Counterpoint: the US’s wan, weakly engaged strategy in the strait of Hormuz is far more likely to keep the war going on indefinitely. After all, simply following the logic of the administration’s own hormonal doctrine, surely Trump should stop oestrogening-out on this one, and go all-in with a more strategically direct and intense form of combat? Pretty much every military analyst out there suggests the current approach isn’t going to work any more effectively than it did in the first franchise instalment of this conflict. Listen, and particularly in the circumstances, I don’t want to use the phrase “stop fighting like a girl”. But at least be a Clausewitz and not a Mousewitz.
