A couple of months ago, I wrote a column imploring young people to keep trying to find love, to not become cynical about romance and avoid the temptation of the accursed “loneliness influencers” peddling antisocial behavior as some sort of newfangled experiment that no one had thought of before. I stand here today saying, hey, I can’t be right all the time. Maybe it is better to be alone, since it costs a hell of a lot less.
Apparently, young people across the country are forgoing dating because it’s too damn expensive. Or at least, I think they are, based on the multiple newspaper articles saying so that came out in the last two weeks. As the New York Times put it, the “prospect of a tab of $150 or more for two entrées, two drinks, an appetizer and tip” is too pricey for many gen Z singles. I say, only $150? Where are you going, Chili’s? I went on a date with (shameful brag incoming) a very famous political figure from the late 90s and spent twice that amount, sending my bank account into cardiac arrest. I practically begged her to get dessert, even though it was clear our decade of age difference and general lack of chemistry meant I was better off going home and journaling about it. I paid for the whole thing, and in return, I got an amazing story to tell at parties.
Dating is akin to gambling, in that it costs a lot and there’s no guarantee you’ll get anything out of it. I’m not suggesting that the money one spends on a date should entitle that person to love. That’s absurd and antithetical to the entire modern conception of romance as a mutual experience shared by two people with equal agency. Rather, I’m saying that you’re better off enjoying the meal than worrying about the outcome. At least you’ll feel like you got your money’s worth.
And anyway, in a huge city like mine, there’s no need to go for the $150 dinner. Numerous affordable date options exist: free museums, art galleries, parks, the beach. You can make anything a date, as long as it affords you the opportunity to assess compatibility. Sitting in traffic on the 10 freeway at rush hour could be a date if you wanted it to be. You could stand outside a restaurant for 30 minutes and never go in. You could ride an elevator in a large building up and down, then see if sparks fly. If so, just hit the emergency button and spend the time waiting for the fire department, doing as you please.
The real problem isn’t if you’re both broke, though. In that scenario, both participants in the relationship can agree to be thrifty. The trouble comes when one person is doing significantly better financially. In my last relationship, I was the broke writer and she was, well … not. Self-employed creative types sometimes have down months (or in my case, years). What started as a pairing of equals quickly turned into me wincing every time the check came.
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Some think you absolutely shouldn’t date if you’re unemployed, that you should lock yourself in a cage and wear a chastity belt if you have to leave the house. I suppose that would at least save people the embarrassment I went through, as my savings dwindled and my girlfriend tried to reassure me that it was actually fine that she was paying for everything. Better, then, to wait until your life is more settled and you can go back to blowing your money on extravagant evenings again.
I see the wisdom in that. Dating can be a huge distraction. A whole other human being requires not just your money, but your time and emotional support. With the economy as troubled as it is, more and more people are having to decide if they can actually afford to be in love, or if they’ll end up like me, a freeloader happy to take what he can get. Maybe I’m being a bit hard on myself here, but guilt is kind of my thing.
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But there’s never a good time to date. There’s no more convenient time to love and be loved. At no point do people become perfect and wonderful and without actual problems. If you wait for a signal that you’ve got it all figured out, life will pass you by. Love just happens, if you open yourself up to it. It might seem like gambling when you add up how much it costs to try, but it’s healthier to think about it as a part of the personal growth process. It’s possible to meet someone who likes you, despite your having more fingers on your hands than dollars in your bank account. Isn’t that the ideal we’re all searching for anyway? You aren’t a social pariah. This current moment is perilous for millions of people. It’d be a lot easier with someone else to go through it with.
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So, try not to despair. Ignore the trend pieces and influencers. Go on the cheap date, be honest about your situation, and leave the chastity belt at home.
