“It came as such a shock. I just can’t believe he’s gone.”
Psychologists are accustomed to seeing bereaved individuals. But working with Jodie* presented a unique challenge – she’d never met the person she was grieving. Jodie was reeling after the recent death of a well known singer. Despite not knowing the singer personally, Jodie’s grief and loss seemed as palpable as other patients speaking about the deaths of family members or loved ones. Jodie reported that weeks after the singer’s death, she was struggling to attend work and was sleeping poorly, describing herself as consumed with thoughts of the singer.
Jodie was experiencing grief related to a parasocial relationship. This is a social phenomenon in which a person experiences a one-sided psychological connection with a public figure or famous person. While an intimate and intense sense of friendship or connection is felt, the object of attention is oblivious to their admirer’s existence.
Parasocial relationships are a normal part of modern life. Many of us are engaged in some sort of parasocial relationship – perhaps with a famous actor, sportsperson, musician or even a fictional character from a novel or television show. We feel we know these people and become invested in their lives. It’s an uncomfortable truth for some that the people we are focused on are, in fact, strangers. They have no reciprocal care for us, nor investment in our lives the way a friend or family members might have.
At best, parasocial relationships allow us to tap into a brief fantasy of a life beyond our own, usually one of wealth and privilege. This daydreaming provides a break from the mundane and opens up space for creativity and lateral thinking for some people. But for others, such as Jodie, parasocial relationships can lead to emotional over-involvement and boundary-crossing behaviour. This can fuel psychological distress, especially when a celebrity dies or experiences a controversial or adverse life event.
Despite my own general indifference about the singer’s death, I was mindful to not dismiss Jodie’s feelings. The loss was significant to Jodie; pointing out the crude fact that they were strangers would likely damage our therapeutic rapport and may have led to Jodie becoming further entrenched in the parasocial relationship.
I attempted to relate to Jodie’s grief by tapping into my own experiences and observations of parasocial relationships: the anguish of many of my peers after Kurt Cobain’s death, the shock at Michael Jackson’s passing (and the complicated grief that followed), and the unprecedented public outpouring of sorrow following the death of Diana, Princess of Wales. More recent examples of parasocial relationships also came to mind: fans’ unashamed obsession with Taylor Swift’s wedding, and, on a different note, fierce debate about Ariana Grande’s health and wellbeing.
It was important to manage Jodie’s acute distress before we sought to understand why the singer’s death had been so impactful. We devised a plan to reduce exposure to information about the singer and his death, using a blocking app to taper social media scrolling and news consumption to 20 minutes per day. Together with encouraging a walk twice a day, limiting time online went some way to reducing Jodie’s rumination and improving her sleeping patterns.
Jodie felt a strong connection to the singer. She listened to his music heavily during a difficult time in her own life, crediting the lyrics as “saving her”. She came to rely on his songs to lift her mood, providing a sense of company and comfort in an otherwise desolate period. These feelings had resurfaced upon hearing of his death. Allowing Jodie time and space to talk about her experience – of both her connection to the singer and the difficult time she had endured – helped alleviate her grief.
While our therapeutic work was prompted by the singer’s death, Jodie also detailed other parasocial relationships. She spoke about famous people as if they were in her own social circle, and expressed genuine delight at their personal and professional achievements.
It seemed apparent that Jodie was lacking vitality in her own life and had attempted to fill this gap by investing in parasocial relationships. But her focus on other people’s lives had been to the detriment of her own. We set about bolstering Jodie’s real-life relationships and enriching social interactions, included reconnecting with old friends, trying a range of hobbies where she might meet like-minded people, and making new connections through meet-up groups and local community events.
For Jodie, parasocial relationships felt safe. There’s little chance of rejection from someone viewed only from afar, and no need to navigate the usual difficulties and disagreements typical of real-life relationships. While parasocial relationships went some way to meeting Jodie’s fundamental need for affiliation and human connection, establishing genuine friendships brought reciprocity that parasocial relationships never could – people who Jodie cared about, who also cared about her.
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*All clients are fictional amalgams
In Australia, support is available at Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636, Lifeline on 13 11 14, and at MensLine on 1300 789 978. In the UK, the charity Mind is available on 0300 123 3393 and Childline on 0800 1111. In the US, call or text Mental Health America at 988 or chat 988lifeline.org.
